New Reality

T'was the night before Christmas
when the cattle got loose,
they ran halfway to Kansas
and that's the plain truth.

The cowboys all lay
stone drunk in their beds
as the boss tore their paychecks
completely to shreds.

They rolled out hung over
and I'm telling you clear,
they were after that herd
until the new year.

No more booze in the bunkhouse
was the boss's new rule,
but they quick went to figuring
how to make him a fool.

The first thing they tried
was the canteen on their horse,
but he expected that one
and was checking of course.

Everything that they tried
he was one step ahead
and they got mighty tired
of going sober to bed.

So the smart ones were thinking;
“If we can’t bring it in,
we’ll cook up our own
and get piefaced again.”

The men seemed to be happy
everything made them laugh,
like branding the cows
right on the ****.

They shot up the windmill
glued a saddle to his horse,
took his wife up to Reno
and got her a quickie divorce.

It seemed like the ranch
was falling apart
that’s when he wised up:
they were all drunk as a fart!

Then came the day
they lost a cowpoke,
he burst into flames
trying to light up a smoke.

The hooch was too strong
so they attempted a fix,
but the cook didn’t get it
through speech slurred and thick.

So he added more sugar
which made it two hundred proof,
when that batch cooked off
it nearly went through the roof.

Liquor that strong
wasn’t stuff for a wimp,
a good drink of that
made your lasso go limp.

The boss realized his boy’s
work ethic went south,
when he woke in the morning
to find cows in his house.

Mash was fed to the chickens
who laid hard boiled eggs
and there wasn’t a wrangler
still up on his legs.

Something had to be done
so he made a big change,
no more raising of cattle
out on the range.

He turned the whole place
into a Texas sized brewery
selling booze by the drink
and Indian jewelry.

The new barmaids all smiled
and turned tricks on the side,
so he got local riders
stopping in for a ride.

Now the boss makes more money
than he did with the cattle,
and his new hired hands
go riding sidesaddle.


by Robert Quinn
all rights reserved